i'm giving up.
of forgetting and moving on.
maybe i've been trying so hard.
too hard.
thats why the harder i try, the more i seem to fail.

i'm sorry if this is unfair for you.
but bear with me.
and i know that we can make it through.

so i don't feel like i'm in the clouds the past few days.
work has been usual.
crazy nonetheless.
i don't think i'm leaving CBTL anytime soon.
despite me dying half the time.
despite school starting soon.
despite some people there.
there are more reasons to stay rather than to leave.
i've got to keep my chin up despite everything.
yes?

and thank you for giving me the time.
you're always giving me time.
you've helped me grow in ways i couldn't imagine.
and i hope that when i am ready.
and i mean that when i'm really ready.
it will be my turn to help you through the darkness.
i know i can help you.
and i know that we can go throught this together.
just like we always did.
thats why we've held on for so long.
cause we're letting nothing get in the way of our friendship.
and for that.
i thank you.

so finally after so long.
i get to spend some quality time with jared.
it was nice seeing you after so long.
i guess it doesn't matter how long we haven't seen each other.
there has never been a dull moment with you around.
thanks for the laughter and the love.
thank you for the friendship.
i don't know what i do without you.
your reassuring hugs.
and everything else.
thank you.

the new year is coming really soon.
its like only a day away.
as much as i want to keep reliving certain memories.
making some part of my life a standstill.
and staying only in that moment.
but then.
like i said.
i should keep my chin up.
and be optimistic about everything thats about to come in the new year.
so lets just go with this then.
just follow the trend and make a list about what we're going to do in the coming new year which is coming really soon.
i'm feeling old.
yeah.
so lets just get on with it.

• treasure everything that i have around me. FAMILY, FRIENDS and MY FAITH.
• give my best in everything that i do.
• go to school everyday.
• get my totally awesome GPA.
• stop wearing panties and start wearing boxers. (cause they are comfy)
• try not to get drunk when i turn 18.
• not to forget what i want to say halfway through my list.
• HOLD ON TIGHTER TO MY FAITH.
• save money.
• which means not spending so much.
• maybe its time to have a journey of self discovery.
• go to phillippines?
• to know what love is again.
• not to abandon my dance and my stories again.
• and i know i'll be famous! and marry orlando bloom!give as many hugs to the people i love as possible.
• not to let myself down and not to short change myself. i guess thats the most important thing.
• and to constantly remind myself that i will never be alone through the journey of infinate darkness.

so i guess that about it.
enough with what i'm about to do.
so i guess i'll keep you all informed about IF i managed to get through with it or not.
oh yeah.
i want to keep fit too!

the really long post i had on wednesday just disappeared.



sorry pet.
but i know that you knew what i was going to say.

i love you.
and it doesn't matter if you're gone.
cause you're still a part of me.
and have a special place in my heart.
and only you know how important you are.

the only reason why nessa hates to sleep is because of dreams that seem to haunt.

people say how difficult is it to forget?
how difficult is it to forget when you see everything reply over and over again every single night.
when you try, it just come back.
like a bad rash that never goes away.
it just keeps coming back.
and i hate it.

but finally,
i give my love to him.

just stop trying so hard.
maybe then things will get better.
people won't get pissed off by you.
and that they won't get irritated by you.
i keep hearing things and maybe i'm getting sick and tired of it.

i've told you once.
i've told you twice.
i can tell you so many times.
but will you listen?
for a few seconds.
or maybe minutes.
but it goes back to the same old thing.
so i can't be bothered anymore.
do what you want.

its no wonder you're not learning anything.
its no wonder you're not improving.
so i'll just listen to what they have to say to you and let it go out the other year.
so much for me trying to help you.
so much for everything.

its amazing how you changed sides the moment you walked out the door.
and then it just made me realise that i don't know you anymore.

i'm going to keep all these memories close to my heart.
in a little scrap book.
with every little thing in it.
thank you for all.
and everything.
the pictures.
the letters.
little cookies and stuff.
thank you all for everything.
that made my chirstmas special.

bestfriend,
audrey,
manda,
jared,
family,
lexine,
charmaine,
everyone else!

then nessa should stop crying.
cause she's all so touched.

i'm still waiting for pictures.
from audrey and lexine.
but at least i got a damn good one with bestfriend.

thank you God for making me feel loved.
no matter how different this christmas was from every other one i had.

early mornings in church will never be the same.

little scrap book.
here i come!


just wait for a few more days.
to with you happy birthday even though you aren't here.

i really need to get my ass up and do some work.
i need to go fold clothes.
get up and bathe.
go to funan and go comic shopping with toufu.
who was supposed to buy me my fish porridge!
for dinner!
last night!
so you better treat me for lunch later!

i'm wrapping presents in newspapers.
i don't care.

and i need to start writing my christmas cards.
which means.
i need to go get pretty pens later as well.
and then wreck my brains to think of what to write inside.

i'm going to be broke!
i swear!
50 bucks for my little cousin's christmas present.
i'm like.
onlly buying two presents this year.
no cookies.
no muffins.
no yummy treats for you all.
sorry.

oh my god!
nessa!
get you ass off the floor!
and go flod some clothes.
before your mum skins you alive.

i wanna go to the cannery.
someone follow me?
thank you very much.

last chirstmas.
i gave you my heart.
but the very next day,
you gave it away.
this year.
to sace me from tears.
i'll give it to someone special.

just love the song.
but CBTL VC has a private joke about it.
OF COURSE JEM IS INCLUDED TOO!
to the left yeah?

so work is later on.
and i have to meet mummy for lunch.
and go to funan to get some of my comics.
and someone's 20 over copies of comics.
which...
i hope he won't scold me cause i'm the one choosing the comics.
i can actually hear him go;
wah lao!
why you anyhow buy?
you got alot of money is it?

yeah.
something like that.

I'M GETTING BROKE!
nessa should just stop spending altogether.
but no!
i still have christmas shoes to buy.
and come to think of it.
i still haven't written anything on my HUGE bundle of christmas cards.

and so,
my hair has changed so many colours since like three weeks ago.
blonde.
brown.
and now its faded to like
copperish-red?

my hair is going to spoil.
SPOIL I TELL YOU!

hey,
i know that pretty much everything is in a mess now.
but.
things will get easier on my side and hopefully yours too.
cause if there's anything.
i still have faith in our friendship alright?
cause if anything we have its the strongest.
its our friendship.
and thats the one and only thing i'll never give up on.

so thats one hurdle crossed.
or maybe we just evaded it.
but i meant it when i said that we're going to have this settled nicely
when the time comes.
maybe when i stop.
maybe when everything is over and we have grown.
nicely.

thank you God.
for letting me have the strength to go on even when i feel that the whole world is on my shoulders.
and for teaching me what faith is.

why i still wear that ring around my neck?
two reasons.
you.
and that it serves as a reminder that i'm not going to lose my faith again.
even if i'm depressed.
or when i've lost everything in the world.
i still have that one thing that will always be there.
my faith.
and that ring is almost a year old.

i can't hate you.
and even as much as i try to stay away.
i can't.
but still.
i'm trying.
maybe it was something i said that cause you to just ignore me.
sorry.
i'm fond of contradicting myself.
maybe i can't handle not talking to you at all.
but hey,
i'm forcing myself to.
the end is near i say.
its true.
we say we try to start the friendship all over again.
to get to know each other all over again.
but fuck.
that didn't work now did it?

i'll try to keep myself for messaging you.
or calling you.
unless the need occurs.
but yeah.
you can call me if you see fit.


stop scolding me already lah.
i got my off day and i'm not working.
i'm getting my rest.
have fun collecting you laptop!

i miss sher.
i miss going back to church.
sorry God.
that i didn't go for mass cause nessa was sick.
maybe thats why all this has been happening.
but hey.
i'm surrounding myself with everything positive.
to keep my head up.
yeah.


thank you for forgiveness.
thank you for making work not dreadful.
cause i didn't want to work to suck.
but then again.
i don't know how to go about doing this.

i just woke up.
but i want to go to sleep again.
maybe this just shows how tired i am.

nessa should just stop crying now.
period.

buy dinner for me please?
and then i can borrow your sweater.
and the nice smell will be there again.
i promise.
haha.
so buy dinner for me and send it to work for me alright?
i know you rock plenty!

and thanks for the huge ass lollipop you bought me the other day we went to vivo.
i still haven't eaten it yet.
its in the fridge.
haha.

oh yes.
that message i sent you this morning.
its fine if you don't aknowledge it or reply me.
but i know what i'm saying.

for you all who have been missing me.
i'm kinda back.
if i don't die working that is.

everything has been happening all at one shot.
but im going to surround myself with everything positive.
yes yes.

but first.
credit where its due.

jem and jo!
thank you.
i love your tummy jo!
cause it gives me nice hugs.
cause its really flabby and comfortable!
and jem,
thank you for being such a sweetheart and letting me cry.
the things i never meant to tell you but i did.
and the things you told me too.
acid suck la!

i'm still waiting for someone to tell me that everything will be alright.
like pet used to do.
its still difficult when you're gone.
no one to assure me.
just waiting to see you again.

so i say that i'll stay away.
i will.

so tell me can you sleep at night.
knowing i'm awake when you turn off the lights.
did you think that i was gonna be alright.
pushed out of your life.
tell me can you sleep at night.
and all this time we're wasting.
you were all i thought about.
and this bitter pill i'm tasting.
well its time to spit it out.

you must not know about me.
you must not know about me.
i'll have another you in a minute.
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute baby.

everything you own in a box to the left.

i hate blogger.

i had a really long post and now its gone.
and i can't recover it.
i don't like this.

so i'm too lazy to blog.
and then i don't have my laptop with me cause its fixing in fujitsu.
so yeah.
if i don't blog.
forgive me.
thanks.

and so.
this is me when i've worked for twelve hours in a row.
i get high.
and i start singing and dancing in the middle of coffeebean.
with my darling baby!

somehow.
it became twelve hours cause four closers became three.
and then it became two.
i almost cried at work.
again.
so close to breaking.
mr fix-it said that i wasn't a robot.
i don't want to keep working like one either.
but look at the position i'm at.
how am i to train?
how am i to teach so that i can have an easier job?
its not that i want to be calculative.
but sometimes it just gets too much for me to take.
maybe what i need is a rest.
thats a good idea.
or maybe stop doing closing all together.

i saw sheryl and apple yesterday!
who came to visit me at work.
thank you.
you made me smile despite the busy schedule.
thank you.

confirmation later.
for all those who are getting comfirmed later.
HAPPY CONFIRMATION!
may God bless you with his abundant gifts.

i think i should go get ready.
for my photowhoring session with sher later.
and the rest of them.
yes yes!
something to get excited about on a gloomy sunday.
=))

i don't know how i'm going to survive with only a few hours of sleep everyday?

a customer pointed out to me that my eyebags are horrible.
well.
thanks for the ego bash.
really appreciate it.

christmas is coming soon.
i don't know.
doesn't exactly feel like chrismas to me.

well.
the end is coming soon.
its just a matter of time.
and this time,
i'm pretty much sure.
i know of it.


well steph gave birth to a beautiful baby boy!
congrats babe!
i was supposed to go and visit you today.
but jasper is no where to be found and i have no idea how to go to the hospital.

body builders from the asian games are...
so bronze.
kinda sick actually.

monday monday!
time to fix the darling laptops!
and i get to wear nice sweaters.
tsk tsk.
and i think we have enough of secrets.
too many too many.
but i know you love me plenty anyway.
so please.
wake up and entertain me.
i woke up too early and i'm bored.
but i think you're kayaking?
haha.
i know you'll message me when you miss me.
=))

so this is the after effect of a back to back shift.
sleeping for more than 15 hours.
and still feel tired.

something wrong with the period.
its times like this i had being a female.
so just let me go through the rant.
so what so good about being female?
you get molested and raped.
knowns as the weaker sex.

but then.
i've got no cramps this time round.
i don't know.
so lets go off to see the doctor.
and see whats wrong with nessa.

but then again.
there is always something wrong with nessa.

so go ahead and assume.
thanks for nothing.
just go ahead and assume that everything i say refers back to him.
maybe it hasn't occurred that maybe i can have someone else.
thank maybe i can move on.
you just go ahead and assume that what i write in my post is for him and create a whole load of trouble for nothing.
thanks yeah.
thanks for making me feel like i'm incapable of moving on.
like i'm useless.

maybe what you all can't see is that this is MY blog.
and i know who i write things for.
so he only came over once.
just to sleep.
so now its an offence for a friend to come over?
who are you to say and judge?
i dare say i'm disappointed.
if you say that you don't know anything about me.
and that you want to help me.
i put my feelings on this blog.
and instead of asking me about to now whats going on.
you just go and assume.

make a fool out of yourself.
see if i have the energy to bother or not.
i try to be a friend and ask you if you're alright.
IT TAKES TWO FUCKING HANDS TO CLAP.
maybe its time you get it in your hands.
its ok if i don't have you as a friend.
i have others that i can count on.
no matter what.
but you just disappoint me for the fact that you don't trust me enough to come and talk about it.
and now i don't feel that i can trust to the extent i used to trust anymore.


thank you mr fix-it!
thank you.

and i know that the smell on the sweater is gone!
haha.
monday alright?
when i see you.
bring the sweater.
it can keep me warm when we're fixing our laptops!
and get nice handphone covers.
and don't forget all our little secrets.

all that matters now is self control.
to control myself from going to you.
fuck.
its going to get really difficult.
but i guess its going to stop all things wrong.

yeah.
so fuck you.
get away from me.
until you're sure of what you want from me.
cause i don't know how much of you i can take.

you're the only one capable of making me hate myself.
really.
thats what i feel right now.
i hate myself for so many things that have happened.

maybe its just the logical thing to erase you from my life for just a little while.

but i'll still be around if you need me.

i'll be in my shady little corner.

i guess you know where to find me.

i'll still be here.

is it still me who makes you sweat?
am i who you think about in bed?
when the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're hands are shaking off your dress?
then think of what you did.
and how i hope to god h was worth it.
when the lightsare dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch your skin.
you know it will always just be me.


so i know where i stand.
but there are just somethings i won't stand for.
i've said.
call me if you want to talk.
but in the end.
i was the one getting shouted at for not talking.
its jsut something i won't stand for.
and how its just my fault.
that i'm boring.
so just let me know when you decide to stop being an ass.
and to call me if you feel like talking to me.
cause you know that its you i call when i need someone to talk to.

in a few more hours.
school will be officially out!
hooray!
and then work comes along.
and my pay would hopefully come soon.
and its christmas shopping for me!
and those people i have a date with!

my classmate called apple is going insane.
i swear.
and today!
oh my goodness!
someone commited suicide at yishun.
and i was late for school again.
but yeah.
it disrupted my sleep on the train.
and i don't like it one bit.

i shall go to MJ later.
and rent movies.
so that i can watch them tomorrow at home.
yeah.
anyone want to join me?

i don't know.
how come everyone knows about the fray now.
and then people come to me and they are like.
do you have songs from the fray?

oh hell.
its alright.
just let me post a song.
and i'll get over this.
i know.

i do it on a whim.
its rhyme without reason.
whatever comes to mind.
i'll pull it from thin air.
i've learned to improvise to fill my time.
i don't want to live this life.
no, i don't want to live this live without reason.
never want to live without it.
never want to live.
i don't want to live without reason.
i do it on a whim.
with no motivation.
following this line and i don't know why.
but i've learned to capture time.
its my redirection.
i don't want to live this life.
no, i don't want to live this life without reason.
you want to work, to spend, to show.
you want to talk, to smile, to feel.
you want to run, to thirst, to drink.
you want to love, to know it real.


so what happens if i told you that i wanted you be my side forever?
would you leave everything and walk by my side?

so i want to give you a chance.
to give us a try.
but i cannot go behind your back doing the things i do.
so yeah.
sorry.

maybe its time to come clean.

just maybe.

come on my friend.
hold onto my hand.
and we'll walk out of this darkness together.

so i thought that my life was on track for the last few weeks.
except the occasional skipping of school and almost dying at work.
i thought that it was on track.
until one single thing threw me off balance.

i wanted to put up picutres from saturday?
but.
my phone sucks and i can't upload it.
i thought my phone can accept mmc?

here's my official apology.
i didn't know that one joke could cause so much of problems.
but i hope you believe me when i say that it wasn't my choice.
honest.
and i guess you have no idea how bad i felt after that.
even when you said that you weren't angry with me.
it was partially my fault.
cause i let her.
i'm sorry.

there are alot of things i wish to say.
but i guess that i should bite my tongue.
and keep my gap shut before i hurt anyone.

i need to go talk to someone.
ok.
maybe not talk.
maybe all i need is a hug.
and let it all out.
hello friend.
come on over.
and make me feel better.

i have you for a moment,
but not the way i wanted to have you.
so just let us stay,
forever in your moment.

so you don't want to tell me whats wrong.
i guess i understand.
i don't know.
i'll give you space.
even though i got my bad feelings about something.
i got my deja vus.
but if you don't want to say anything.
i wont' probe you.
i won't force you.
cause somehow i know that if you want.
you'll come and talk to me.
i'll be here.
no questions asked.
you near me?
i just don't want you to feel that its an oblitgation to do so.

you know what i want to do now?
hide from the world and just stay there.
yeah.
just for now.
i'd like to do just that.

thank you very much.
i'll do just that.

oh my goodness.

i'm at meeting now and the best part of it is that there are only two people here.
so my life rocks.
thank you very much.